F.O.M.O.

Living in California has its perks, but there are a few things happening in the UK right now that I’m missing. 

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1. The Queen’s Birthday.

Last week the Queen turned 90. It’s pretty amazing to think she’s still only 90 when she’s been on the throne for about 300 years. Poor Charles just can’t catch a break.

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2. Street Parties.

Across the UK, people marked the Queen’s birthday with a street party. Kids celebrated by playing “Pin the Tail on the Corgi”. Adults celebrated by pretending to like their neighbours for the day.

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3. The Royal wardrobe.

Check out what she wore at her birthday celebration. Talk about peacocking.

In the build-up to the event, she was probably sitting on the throne in her underwear, screaming at her Palace servants:

“Make me the brightest fucking lime outfit on the planet. I want Tim Peake to see me from the International Space Station, goddamnit“.

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4. Royal correspondence.

In the UK, people who reach 100 years of age get a commemorative letter from the Queen. So in 10 years time, she’ll get a letter from herself. I’m sure the British media are writing their own versions of the letter, so here’s my attempt:

To Me,

Big up yourself on your 100th birthday.

You are still the most badass fucking Queen on the planet.

Love, Me.

#sorrycharles

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5. Brexit.

Poor Britain. Months of campaigning, debate and media coverage, and still nobody can answer the most important question: if we leave the EU, how much will a pint and a packet of cigarettes cost?

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6. Brexit Conundrums.

If Britain does leave the EU, no longer will our European brothers and sisters walk the streets of London proudly rocking socks and sandals. This fashion choice will join shell suits and bum bags on that clothing scrap heap in the sky. Vote Remain!

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7. Wimbledon.

The only two weeks in the year when Brits give a shit about tennis, talk about strawberries and cream, and pretend to like Andy Murray.

Poor bloke – we congratulated him when he finally won Wimbledon. But deep down, I think we all would have preferred to see him cry again.

“Chin up Andy. At least now you’ll be home in time to watch your Mum on Strictly.”

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8. Queens.

That other tennis tournament that happens right before Wimbledon. The one that nobody watches or barely knows about, because it’s outside the two-week window when we actually care.

Note: the shittest tournaments always have the biggest trophies.

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9. The Euros.

An international football tournament has magical powers:

• It makes English people suddenly fall in love with their country, and do patriotic things like buy cheap tat from Tesco to stick in their car window.
• It automatically gives you full custody of the TV remote.
• It allows you to watch the games from your desk at work, safe in the knowledge they can’t fire you, because they’d have to fire the whole company too.

Supporting the England national team is like dancing with a hot girl in the club – just when you think your luck is in, her boyfriend shows up and smacks you one in the balls.

I’ll be cheering on the Three Lions from California, at ungodly times of the day. So if you listen closely, you’ll just about hear me sobbing into my Cap’n Crunch.

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10. Hooligans.

Unless you’re still living in the 1940s, the only time you’ll ever hear the word “hooligans” is when it’s in reference to football fans who like to fight. It’s 2016 now, so I think it’s about time we updated the term. How about we call them “total dicks” instead?

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11. Big Brother.

It’s that time of year when another bunch of nobodies are given their opportunity to heap as much shame on their families as possible. Essential viewing for anyone in need of a self-esteem boost.

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12. Music Festival season.

When middle class people pay hundreds of pounds to shit in a wooden box, consume a lifetime’s supply of drugs, and gurn their tits off in a muddy field. They may catch some live music too, although they probably won’t know it.

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13. Weathering emotions.

The heatwave that makes you think this year is truly going to be a sun-soaked summer. The period that follows when it shits down with rain for the next two weeks.

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14. Summer people.

The British translation of “Sun’s out, guns out” is “Sunshine, moob time”. The first glimpse of sun turns the UK into a public gallery of flesh and flab. Then there’s the sweaty betties on the tube, and the red-faced lobsters in the park. Brits do summer with style.

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15. But… London.

Al fresco dinners, beer gardens, Hampstead Heath ponds, picnic in the park, ice cream vans, open air theatre, events on the Southbank, the view from Primrose Hill… when the sun shines on London, there’s no other place that comes close.

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