Drive.

It’s been a while since I last blogged. And naturally, it’s all Alex’s fault. 

It was her idea to start watching Game of Thrones from start to finish. And after we watched the first episode, she was a changed person. Gone was the happy, hippy mother who lovingly tucked in her children at night and sent them off gently to sleep with kisses and cuddles. Instead, I would return home from work to a lady with the remote control in her hand, and a demonic look in her eye. A look that said “Get these fuckers to bed and stick the box on, stat”. 

Six seasons later, we’re now done with G.O.T and we’re having to find other ways to avoid talking to each other. Hence the blog revival. 


Drive.

I’ve seen so many car collisions out here that I’m starting to think my scratch-free motor is a bit uncool. If my paranoia continues, I may smash the shit out of the passenger door with a baseball bat, just to fit in. Mind you, Americans don’t seem to bother using their wing mirrors, so I don’t see why I should either. I’ll smash them up for good measure, too.

But there’s actually a good reason why Californians are so shit at driving. In fact, there’s 7 of them.


1. Absolutely anyone can get a license.

My California driving test was a joke. It was barely a drive, let alone a test. Here’s a brief synopsis of what happened when I showed up at the DMV that day:

Examiner: What is this?
Me: A car.
Examiner: Congrats! You passed. 

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2. Bumper stickers.

What is the actual point of their existence, other than to distract other drivers and fill them with rage?

Here’s my standard reaction to every sticker I see:

  • I don’t care who you voted for in 2008.
  • I don’t give AF that your kid is an honors student. You’re proud now, but in less than 10 years he’ll probably have a coke habit and an STD.
  • I don’t want to know how many stick people there are in your family.
  • Or that you have a little Princess on board.

Quite honestly, if you do have a Princess on board, you should probably keep it on the down low before someone carjacks your ass.


3. Road signs.

Some of the nation’s best copywriters are employed to promote safe driving. Which is kind of ironic, really. Most drivers are too busy looking out for the witty signs to notice the car braking sharply in front of them.

 


4. Personalized plates.

Um, 1994 called – it wants its sense of humor back.

Every time I see a play on words on a number plate, I fight every urge to drive right into the back of them. Instead I just sick up in my mouth a bit, and make a hand gesture more commonly found in the UK.

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I’ve written about plates before – here.

5. Read rage. 

Roald Dahl once said: “If you are going to get anywhere in life you have to read a lot of books.”

I think this lady – who drove next to me on Stevens Creek last week – took that quote a bit too literally.

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6. Silicon Valley road wars.

Everyone’s playing it out here. Well, I am anyway. I spend a lot of time in traffic, so I’ve invented a game to pass the time. Rules are simple:

  • Score 5 points if you see a self-driving car. Bonus point for provoking it into a collision.
  • 4 points if you pass a Google Earth vehicle. Bonus point for sticking your finger up at the camera.
  • 3 points for every minute that you successfully, illegally use the carpool lane.
  • 2 points for leaving your indicator on 5 minutes after you switch lanes.
  • 1 point for every time you lie to Waze about a police sighting.
  • Lose 5 points for every time you obey the actual road rules.


7. Bloggers.

Despite their incredible good looks, these guys are the worst.

While they’re at the wheel they take photos of other cars, drivers and road signs, invent massively stupid and unsafe games to play, and dictate to Siri an entire blog post about driving.

Teach them a lesson by choosing not to read their blog posts. That’ll show ’em.


 

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