Let’s go outside.

We’ve been here 10 days and the learning curve is steep.

There’s more than a few things I need to write about. But first it’s this: George Michael is misunderstood.

In 1998, he was arrested in a public lavatory in a Beverly Hills park, for allegedly committing a lewd act. But now I’ve visited a number of public toilets in California myself, I’ve discovered the truth. He was loitering simply because they’re so damn good, in every possible way.

Reason one: Disposable seat covers.

If you’re in a public convenience in the UK and you want to drop the kids off, you need to have mastered the art of levitation. Over here, you just lift up a seat cover, pull it down and sit. A smile is optional, but usually difficult to avoid at this point.

Reason two: Toilet paper.

I’m yet to find a public loo without an abundance of toilet paper. And not the scratchy, primary school tracing paper-kind either. No more panic as you reach the halfway stage. No more frantic searching for alternatives. Just an anxiety-free sit down. And that’s why they call it a restroom.

Reason three: Soap.

Actual soap! In a public toilet! It amazes me every time. And when I reach the sink I find myself shaking my head in wonder. I’m just grateful that’s all I do.

Reason four: Dryers that dry.

There’s nothing worse than a crap hand dryer, when it feels like someone is slowly breathing warm air on your hands. But this is the super strength, all-powerful, mother of all dryers. The one that projects a blue or red circle in your palm, like a sniper’s target. It’s a great game to end the whole experience – how long can you keep your hands there before you suffer irreversible skin damage? I’ve laughed maniacally out loud once at this, but now I tend to keep my adrenaline on the down low.

So there you have it – you’ve just read a blog about public toilets. Hopefully it’s not been a crappy use of your time.

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